AS A MILLENNIAL I CAN NEVER USE BLU TACK

My parents are baby boomers, which makes me a boomed baby, and the worst thing about being a boomed baby living in London is that I will never, ever earn enough money to be within my rights to put Blu Tack on a wall.

It’s not allowed! It says so in my contract with the landlord: no drugs, no parties, no Blu Tack. And I only wanted to do one of those things. But no! The property-owning baby boomers have banned boomed babies from Blu Tacking baby boomer buildings. Why? Because it leaves a mark.

Because it leaves a mark! Well, I’m sorry. Yes, I’m sincerely sorry that my generation has caused superficial damage to your immense hoarded wealth. What are baby boomers so scared of? Do they think I’m going to start out on Blu Tack, then progress onto pins, nails, then add a conservatory, like Blu Tack is some kind of gateway home improvement?

I’m frustated just looking at it.

I now own Blu Tack for recreational purposes only. This includes making little sausages on my desk, or crafting weird Blu Tack voodoo dolls of the Blue Man Group, who, as baby boomers, no doubt own considerable property.

In order to use Blu Tack, I would have to buy a place of my own. In order to buy a place of my own, I would need at least £400,000. That’s enough to buy 800,000 packs of Blu Tack. Which is a sufficient quantity to make my own Blu Tack mud hut. A place where I can live the millennial dream: if I want to put up a poster, I can put it up literally anywhere I like. Maybe I could open it up as some kind of Shoreditch-style pop-up where agglutinant-starved millennials can come and get their fix of fixing things to a wall. I could be the Al Capone of Blu Tack.

I am at peace with the fact that I will never own a house, but is it really too much to ask that, on just one of the four walls that I pay 40% of my income a year to live in, I could put up a poster that says Keep Calm and Carry On?

But there is a silver lining. My landlord informs me that I can use Blu Tack on a cork-board. So that’s what I do now. I take all my life memories and stick them on a cork-board. A cork-board, mind you, that I am also not allowed to affix to the wall.

Haydn Jenkins on Twitter
Haydn Jenkins
Haydn is a stand-up and one half of sketch double act Mark & Haydn.

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