HOW TO FLEX ON THE ‘GRAM WHEN YOU EAT BEANS FROM THE CAN

Oh no, it’s happened again. You’re three years deep into that influencer’s Insta wondering how they afford their lifestyle when you can’t even afford a London-priced-pint. But never fear, there are ways that you, too, can make your life look like a perfect dream. Even if it is a living hell!

1. Holiday post without the holiday

Can’t afford to leave the country with the pound so low? Don’t worry! Hollister provides effective beach backgrounds for your ‘I’ve just been to California’ gram post. If you don’t have a Hollister nearby, green screens are a mere £25 and will be delivered directly to your door. Because who needs a relaxing getaway when you can get over five hundred likes?

2. One pound detox

Haven’t been targeted to peddle detoxing products yet? There’s a quick solution. Invest in a cheap bottle that could pass as a protein shaker (available at Poundland) and fill it with squash and laxatives. It’ll have the same effect, and paired with the hashtag #Detox, nobody will ever know!

If you can get the laxatives here too, that’s even better.

3. Influencer bee lips

Ladies. Do you want that Kylie Jenner look? Bee stings are an effective short-term way to get thick lips for that Instagram fame. And they’re free to catch!

4. Debenhams is your friend

Once you’ve murdered the bees for your benefit, get to the Benefit counter. Clueless makeup ladies will do an entire makeover for you for free if you string them along to believe you’ll buy the product. Say ‘I’ll think about it’, walk out and take those beauty shots. Make sure they contour you unrecognisable.

A free makeover waiting to happen!

5. Make your own Michelin

You obviously can’t even afford to eat out at Nando’s, so your best bet is to make your own faux-Michelin-starred dinner. Step one: fry a single prawn in value butter. Step two: place it on a leaf. Step three: smear any sauce on the side of the plate. But don’t worry, there’s no need to eat it. Just place it on a wooden board, take a photo from above and hashtag #Michelinstar. Instant flex points.

Once you’ve completed the above steps, your follower count should creep up. And you know what they say, the more followers you have, the better your life. Congratulations, flexer!

Image credits: Mtaylor848 – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=71554938

Rosie Blackadder on Twitter
Rosie Blackadder
Rosie is a comedy writer and performer. Her work has been performed internationally, including at the Adelaide Fringe, Birmingham REP and Midlands Arts Centre. Her next alien and yeti filled character comedy show SPOOKY is due to be performed at the Brighton Fringe in May. She also writes for the Rochdale Herald, alongside projects for TV. And yes, Blackadder is her real surname.

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