THE DEMOCRATIC 2020 CANDIDATES, ANALYSED

2019 is upon us, which means only two things:

  1. It’s the 100th Anniversary of the first anniversary of the First World War.
  2. The 2020 election is hotting up.

That’s right. Decision 2020 is already upon us, a mere 21 months away. In that time, a person could have 2.3 babies, 3 if all were born prematurely, and 3.3 if we’re allowing twins. Between now and the election, Americans will have the amount of time it takes to produce and grow an Indian elephant, or, if that’s a problem, a puma, plus a litter of horses and an entire moose, with likely a few days to spare to allow for complications, though fingers crossed there won’t be any such need.

While us non-Americans will be wasting our time gestating, Americans will be exercising their democratic rights by mulling over their choice of candidates. November 2020 is already creeping up, and in eighteen million, four hundred and thirty-two thousand blinks of an eye, they’ll need to have decided on their favourite candidate.

Now we’ve addressed the elephant in the womb, let’s address the elephant in the room: Donald Trump. Here’s a non-exhaustive list of the candidates vying to take him on. (All odds provided by a betting company; but we won’t name them because all betting companies are fundamentally immoral and don’t deserve any more publicity.)

Elizabeth Warren – 9/1


The 69-year-old Senator from Massachusetts has the vibe of an angry grandma, but she’s upset about capitalism failing to cater for the common American rather than a cat defecating in her garden, like my grandmother is on an almost hourly basis. She (Warren, not my nan) faced accusations of being too white for the Democratic base. Warren used DNA to prove that she had a native American ancestor six to ten generations ago: akin to me proving that I’m South American by liking Tango. If she doesn’t win the nomination, she’ll be able to fall back on her second career as the woman in Grant Wood’s painting American Gothic.

Kamala Harris – 3/1

The 49-year-old Senator from California made waves during recent confirmation hearings by asking tough questions to Trump’s nominees for various appointed offices. Harris is very, very tough, and has been criticized for her hard-on-crime approach. Being a black woman might be an advantage in a Democratic primary in 2020, but may well be a huge disadvantage in the general election. The general populous in America is, like the 1990s Britain that decided which Spice Girl was regarded as ‘Scary Spice’, afraid of loud, powerful black women. Harris wrote a book called ‘Smart on Crime’, which is the second-best slogan about crime toughness, behind Blair’s ‘tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime’, but ahead of 2004 John Kerry’s ‘crime doesn’t pay, which can be tough’, which makes no sense at all.  

Beto O’Rourke – 4/1

Beto O’Rourke, the superstar from El Paso, is coming off the back of losing to Ted Cruz in the Texas Senate race in 2018. Despite losing, Beto gained national attention for his charisma and impressive fundraising from small donors (those who donate in small amounts, not donors under 5’4). His loss to Cruz is more a reflection of Texas’ Republican leanings than Beto’s potential nationwide appeal. In fact, losing the race in some ways puts him in a strong position to run in 2020. Out of the forty-four men who’ve held the office of President, only one (LBJ) has ever been a Texas Senator; not being this makes him more relatable to the American people, only two of whom, out of a country of over three hundred million, are Texas Senators. If O’Rourke can sew up the ‘not a Texas Senator’ voting block, he’ll be well on the way to the White House. He’s known for his long, rambling Instagram Live sessions, which currently involve him driving around and visiting the dentist, but would be fun to watch while he debates bombing Syria.

Pete Buttigieg – 33/1

Pete Buttigieg (pronounced boot-eh-jeyj) is the millennial, gay, mayor of South Bend, Indiana. He probably won’t win, but arguably should. He wants to abolish the electoral college, which is the equivalent of running for Class President on a platform of burning down the school: popular, but somebody powerful is going to step in to stop it gaining any sort of momentum. He’s never been elected to a state-wide office, but does that matter? He thinks not. His record as mayor is good, lowering unemployment from 12% to 5%. He’s gay and married, to a man, obviously. There will be people that have a problem with a gay president, what with all those hot secret service hunks around, how is he supposed to concentrate? What if he fancies Putin? Or worse, ISIS? He’s a bit of a geek, but extremely affable, and I really like the guy. He has more executive experience than Trump, and if we have to have an inexperienced long-shot, I’d rather this guy than Oprah, Kanye, the ghost of JFK, or whatever other lefty celebrity is being touted by U.S. media. 

Bernie Sanders – 10/1

If the 2020 race were the 1985 movie Back To The Future, Sanders would fill the Doc Brown role. He’s shaped the narrative of the election, most people think he’s bonkers, and a few people think he’s a genius. I’ve not heard him speak directly, but based on mainstream reports on him he probably plans to nationalise every American child, kill them, then use their skeletons to make a beautiful mural of Joseph Stalin. I’d be opposed to that, so he won’t get my vote. He’s made the word ‘socialism’ sexy again, but I’m afraid it’s not getting me hard just yet. 

Sheldon Whitehouse – odds not provided

Democratic Senator from Rhode Island. His last name is Whitehouse. I rest my case. We’d all be in favour of four years of calling it ‘The Whitehouse White House’. 

Image credits: United States Senate – http://www.warren.senate.gov/?p=biography. http://whitehouse.senate.gov/newsroom/presskit/.
United States Congress – http://sanders.senate.gov/.
US Government – Office of Congressman Beto O’Rourke.
Office of Senator Kamala Harris – https://www.harris.senate.gov/news#photos
City of South Bend, Indiana – https://www.southbendin.gov/government/department/mayor-pete-buttigieg.
Matt H. Wade. Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=5004719

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Ted Hill
Ted Hill is a comedian, science communicator, and human being with feelings, loves and wants. He has ADHD and mental health problems but doesn't like to draw attention to how brave he is about it. He is regarded as a charming young man.

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