Every so often, in this long and laborious life, you’ll have to admit to someone that you haven’t watched or listened to or even heard of something that means a lot to them. It could be a song, a novel – even a formative video about STIs that you watched in Year 9. In any case, it’s something that someone loves and you have made the fatal error of not even having an opinion.
Now, I’ve been on both sides of this sorry state of affairs. I’ve ruined dates by getting angry and pointing out that I was eight when The Sopranos was on, and, therefore, it would be pretty weird if I had watched it ‘back in the day’. But I sympathise, of course. When someone tells me they’ve never seen the original Avatar: The Last Airbender cartoon, I get as depressed as someone on 20mg of Prozac can get.
There are two things you can do when you realise you’ve missed out.
1. Rush off to expose yourself to that piece of art (not in that way, though, as that gets you banned from the Louvre).
2. Make not having seen that thing part of your personality.
I opt for the latter. So, with that in mind, here’s a list of TV shows and films I haven’t seen, rated by how much people seem to care that I haven’t seen them:
As we all know, boys love the Mafia. And I buy into some of it; I do like their proclivity for nicknames (Squealy Joe, Sloppy Ricardo, Frank ‘The Slut’ Johnson). But I’m sure it’s not all fun nights out at the abandoned warehouse or horse heads on the half-shell. Anyway, film critics and common folk alike love this one, making it outrageous that I haven’t seen the godfather of films about the mafia (The Godfather).
I’m sure it’s pretty good. I think we’ve learned from this year’s Oscars that anything the Academy says is good DEFINITELY IS. But I’m not going to watch it because I get immense satisfaction from men in their late 20s and early 30s getting annoyed. It’s an advanced form of negging that’s more of a service to them than me.
9 / 10
I love the joke in The Simpsons about Citizen Kane. The one where they come across ‘the cane from Citizen Kane’ and then Lisa points out that there isn’t a cane in Citizen Kane? That’s all I need to know about this film. There isn’t a cane, so I know no-one in it will have a sexy limp (see Hugh Laurie in House) or do a slick Broadway number. Also, it’s in black & white, which everyone knows makes the film automatically 50% longer and more incomprehensible. Only nerds care that I’ve given this one a miss.
4 / 10
It’s really hard for me to explain why I don’t want to watch this – probably as hard as it is for someone to explain to me why I should. I might give it a go because Kyle MacLachlan is a prime hottie but, part of me prefers thinking of him only as Bree Van de Kamp’s second husband, Orson, from Desperate Housewives. Also, I must stop watching so much American telly. I’m going to be consuming enough of their chlorinated chicken after Brexit, so why ruin my appetite? Hipsters might give a fuck, but most people don’t.
5 / 10
To tell the truth, I started watching this halfway through writing this article. And now I’m really angry at how many people haven’t seen it. They’ve really LOST their way! (That’s a joke for us fans).
2 / 10
I’m a comedian, so this one affects my day-to-day life more than most others. I feel I’ve been actively shunned because I’ve announced, in a show of real bravery, that I have no interest in watching John Cleese have a tantrum at a Spanish waiter.
…Okay, so maybe I have seen one episode. But I didn’t like it very much, so I’m going to pretend I didn’t see it. My ex really nagged me about watching it, describing it as the pinnacle of British comedy – and I could make a nasty joke about how his stance on reciprocal oral was funnier, but why bother?
8 / 10