TWITTER HAS PUT ME OFF SEX FOREVER

I look at the Twitter feed before me.

That’s it, it’s time to become a nun, I think to myself.

***

There are two kinds of people who love Twitter: journalists and comedians. Basically attention-seeking people who think they are good with words, and I happen to be all of these things, so I adore Twitter. Where else can I shitpost and network professionally at the same time? I’m so Twitter-obsessed I even had a friend tell me I was the most “online” person he’d met, after I said the phrase “weird flex but ok” in real life.

I came around to the idea of Twitter very quickly. A lot more quickly, in fact, than I came around to the idea of sex. I’m pretty okay with the idea of sex now, but Twitter has been doing its absolute best to put me off it. Forever.

You see, being the extremely “online” person I am, I get my news pretty much all through Twitter: sometimes via official news outlets, but also more often than not, via the memes. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good meme, but the past two weeks or so has been… something.

It began with Pete Davidson. Comedian and ex-beau of Ariana Grande, who was caught kissing his new girlfriend, Kate Beckinsale, at a basketball game, next to a distracted Antoni Porowski from Queer Eye. Similar to the Larry David/Beyonce/Jay-Z/Prince William/Catherine juxtaposition of 2014, this provided much amusement to everyone involved.

However, what didn’t I ask to see beamed into my eyeballs every minute or so? A close-up of Davidson’s tongue entering Beckinsale’s mouth. Both are attractive people in my eyes, but in the same way I didn’t ask to see an MRI scan of people having sex in one of my undergraduate linguistics lectures, I do not need to see this. Especially over and over again. I still don’t get French kissing to this day (sorry guys but it feels WEIRD and at the age of twenty-three I still have no idea what I’m doing) and a live cross section will not improve my opinion of it.

This died down and I thought I could resume my vague attempt at a sexuality, however, what do I see before me now? Various graphic jokes about a man having sex, or denying having had sex with a cat. Whilst many of the jokes were way better examples of how you can tackle taboo subjects than The Man who Wrote The Office could ever come up with (I don’t put his name as I know he regularly searches it, despite supposedly not caring about other people’s opinions), there are only so many graphic descriptions of cat shagging you can process at 8:30 in the morning.

To be honest, I thought all the mentions of cat and ejaculate would be the limit of gross internet stuff that could put me off any sort of sexual activity forever; however, somehow this explicit content was the tip of a horny iceberg, as J.K. Rowling announced that Dumbledore had an “intensely sexual” relationship with Grindelwald. This was doubly galling. Not only did I get to see Twitter users’ imaginations run wild with the possible sex lives of beloved childhood characters, but I was also reminded of Rowling’s continued cowardice in not allowing any ACTUAL progressive and overt depiction of homosexual relationships in her work. I mean, I get you can’t show Dumbledore rimming Johnny Depp in a kids’ film, but they could AT LEAST kiss. No tongues though, that’s gross.

I thought I was used to disgusting sexual content after hosting a podcast about fanfiction, but it turns out that’s not the only enclave of weird perverts. Turns out you lot are everywhere. Like, Goddamn guys, I know I’m a prude, but can we just take a break of a week or something?

Now I’ve taken my vow of celibacy, I’m off to Austria to live it up, Sound of Music style. Although thinking about it, Maria was probably banging that Von Trapp guy wasn’t she? Damn it.

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Ruby Martin
Ruby Martin is a writer and comedian as seen in Succubus, most alternative comedy nights in the London area and lurking on your Twitter feed somewhere.

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