When things are hotting up with a brand new conquest,
You might say “wanna get a condom?” by which you mean, “wanna have sex?”
But this guy goes and gets the wrong end of the stick.
He says, “Actually, um, I find they’re too small for my dick”
“Yeah I don’t really like them, aren’t you on the pill?
If not I can just pull out, it’s totally chill.”
You start getting flashbacks to PSHE,
They went on about safe sex in school, but, you see,
They didn’t say what to do if someone just refuses,
Says he doesn’t like it, starts making excuses,
That situation can get the better of the best of us,
They don’t put “how to make a man wear a condom” on the syllabus.
But maybe they should so we’d have the guts say,
“Actually I’m not in the mood to be doused in your cum-spray
Yeah I don’t feel like being your sperm dumpster right now,
And come on, no one is that well-endowed.
“I mean, pregnancy, HIV those things are a breeze,
But putting a condom on your slightly-above-average sized penis? Bitch, please.
That’s the real risk in this situation:
A man experiencing marginally reduced pleasure during copulation.”
But because you’re a girl you’re not meant to get angry,
You’re not supposed to shout, “WELL THOSE ARE THE CONDITIONS IF YOU WANNA BANG ME,
PLUS THIS CONDOM WOULD FIT OVER YOUR ENTIRE HEAD – SHALL WE TRY?
Because right now I sort of want you to SUFFOCATE and DIE.”
So all you say is “OK”, you’re going to let him stick it in,
After he’s rejected extra large and extra thin
(You’ve got a range of johnnies lying in your draw,
You’ve been hit with the “I don’t really like condoms” line before)
You’re just going to do it, you’ve had a few beers,
You think weellll, there is a cure for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea
Plus maybe getting an STI would be a good anecdote,
And I’m sure he knows he’s clean, he seems like a responsible bloke.
But soon the matter is soon taken out of your hands,
He’s thrust himself inside you and the sex has began,
And eventually he does pull out which is really really kind,
He’s probably, like, the nicest guy you’re ever going to find,
So who cares if you get pregnant from drops of his precum,
You’re probably like, totally ready to be a mum.
Or if you had an abortion maybe he could come with you,
And it would be like a nice sort of bonding experience for you two?
Yeah, no, this could be good thing that happened,
He seems like a really decent chap, and –
“Er hey”, he interrupts your thoughts, and says, “it’s getting late,
“And I’ve gotta run because I’m going on this date.”
And again, you want to shout, “I hope I already had Chlamydia,
And that I’ve given it to you, and that you give it to her,
And that we all learn a lesson from this absolute fuckery,”
But instead you just say “here’s my number if you ever wanna call me.”
Illustration by Georgia Turner.