CHILDREN LOVE ME AND IT’S THE WORST
I hate children, with their mucus-spilling faces, and their vacant, concussed-style questioning.
WHAT’S THE FASTEST WAY TO A WOMAN’S HEART? NOT MACAROONS
It is a sad state of affairs to be running around Hampstead Heath, holding a cash box, asking strangers if they’ve seen my ex-girlfriend.
WITH NO MEDICINE AFTER BREXIT, WHAT WILL WE USE?
I’ve come up with a list of anaesthetic drugs we might be without, and some “alternatives” that might be considered.
AS A MILLENNIAL I CAN NEVER USE BLU TACK
I am at peace with never owning a house, but is it too much to ask that I could put up a poster?
A PUBLIC CRY FOR MORE CRYING IN PUBLIC
Our cultural emotional capacity is synonymous with Olivia Colman’s ‘nervous raspberry’.
TWITTER HAS PUT ME OFF SEX FOREVER
What didn’t I ask to see beamed into my eyeballs? A close-up of Davidson’s tongue entering Beckinsale’s mouth.
WHEN A MAN WON’T WEAR A CONDOM – A POEM
“Maybe getting an STI would be a good anecdote.”
TV SHOWS & FILMS I HAVEN’T SEEN (RATED BY HOW MUCH PEOPLE CARE)
It’s something that someone loves and you have made the fatal error of not even having an opinion.
THE MOST RECENT SERIES OF THE NEWS IS THE WORST YET
Plot strands and characters are introduced, presented in a seemingly random sequence, and then never revisited.
THE REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS – A SHORT STORY
“I was attending a place called Bartlett’s Boarding School for Boys and Girl. It was an all-boys school that allowed one girl to attend.”